ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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