Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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