it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
