Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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