if you like me you must not know who I am
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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