You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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