I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
