I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
