are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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