After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
