Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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