If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
