thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize