I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
