Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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