I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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