Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
