Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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