I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
