We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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