I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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