so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
