His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
