I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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