I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
How naked do you want me to be?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
