i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
