She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
