I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
