Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
