I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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