Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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