someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
