So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
