But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
