I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
