i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
