I want to have your abortion
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
