legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
