I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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