Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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