i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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