Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize