Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
