i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize