My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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