the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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