If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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