Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
