you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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