I cockslap morals
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
