i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
