Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
