I faked an abortion last night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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