I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I supernannyed him into submission
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
