Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
