she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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