Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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