I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
